Mom is HOME!

Mom is finally home! She got home last night.

I am thankful that all went well.

My mind is at ease now and I can start to slow down.

I’ve also managed to get another maid on board – this weekend we are fetching her. Need an additional one in the interim to help MIL with my little one. He is super fast and mischievous. Grandma is exhausted each evening.

I want to thank you my friends for being so supportive, for sharing my worry, for the jokes and making me laugh, for sharing my joy and most importantly, for keeping my mom in your prayers! The positive energy keeps me going. You are the best and you know who you are!!

My colleagues, my friends

There are some colleagues in the office that you can call friends.
I have some really good friends in the office.

There are 2-3 friends whom I turned to for advise. There are at least 8 years my senior and they have been my sounding boards. They give me a very different perspective to things -one sits in Int'l and one sits here. The one in International provides me with a bigger picture; giving me an opportunity to put the missing pieces together and gives a damn good advise that I am super thankful for. The one in Singapore listens to my plans and make sure I stay on the right direction.

They've pushed me to think beyond certain boundaries and they've always reminded me that at the end of the day, I must gain from all the challenges that I am currently going through. Never be shy to ask and state what I want and that is something that I continue to struggle with. I know I will overcome that struggle one day.... and I have been reminded that I need to do it soon!

Say Goodbye to $55!

I was very sure I could participate in that Shape Women Run on July 24th.
So sure that I paid $55 to register.

Yesterday, participants were asked to collect their pass and goodie bag. I missed it because I had to fetch mom to the hospital.

Next week I have to keep my schedule fluid. But I have 2 fixed travel dates towards the end of the week. Jakarta and then KL... all within 2 days.
Jakarta for a project which I have been on since March. July 23rd is the LIVE event. KL - I was asked to help out for that project. I have been asked to manage some authority that issues permits.

I have to learn to trust myself and others that all will be fine.

Emotional Wreck

Mom is going for an operation this Monday. We found out last week she has tumor in her brain. We saw a neurologist a couple of days ago and was told that the tumor has to be removed. Shocking. Well the good news is, the tumor is benign. The world wide web is a good source for information but too much information is not good. I have been reading and I think I have to stop myself from picturing every single situation. What's worst, when mom asks questions, I have to feign ignorance and keep telling her to focus on getting better - so she can play with her grandchildren, go for her Quran sessions (and get that cert!) and spend time with her friends! Just when I thought I have one problem covered, I received phone calls from her closest friends and sisters - listening to their concerns and fears only make me want to cry.

That's the problem. I don't think I can cry. The last time I cry loads was like 11 years ago. I am so afraid to cry because I fear that once I start I cannot stop and I need to build that shield all over again. Plus, I don't want to answer the questions that my son asks. And he can ask lots of questions! It's too tiring. I think internally, I am a wreck. Emotional wreck.
I find solace in prayers, in my long runs and when I drive home from work. And when the kids are asleep and hubby and I talk. But no amount of talking can change the way I feel.

Mom being mom has given me a list of asks. I don't know whether it's the middle child syndrome or because I am a girl, I have that list with me. Deja vu. On the list, there is a huge ask. So huge that I have been thinking about it for the past few days and I guess will continue thinking about it until mom fully recovers. I know the answer to helping me make that decision.... I guess I am afraid of the answer.

I like to plan. Everything I do, I have a plan. Next week my plan is to be with her, to be with my boys, to also be at work. My boys.... I feel guilty when I see mom and my MIL looking tired. I feel horrible when I don't see them for days. The second one is quite a character. He simply ignores me when I come home late or when I come home from a trip. I have several trips in the next few weeks and I seriously don't know if I am able to include those in my current plans.

Monday. InsyaAllah, all will be good.

Conversations with Myself

Do you do that? Do you have conversations in your head and with yourself?
I do. Does everyone do that? I don't know. I told a girlfriend once and she laughed at me. I don't think that was funny.

What kind of conversations you may ask. All sorts. Half the time, I vent my frustrations, anger and sometimes I plan - I think I have a white board in my mind somewhere.

I have a very high tolerance level towards some people and I find it amusing that these people think I can tolerate a lot. Just because I keep quiet does not mean I don't have feelings. There are other reasons why I don't react.

I do share my thoughts with hubby. I am not a saint and sometimes those thoughts could be mean or angry thoughts. It frustrates me when my hubby does not agree with my thoughts and gives an alternative or a different point of view. And then I would go into this argument in my head- an argument that questions why he does not agree with me. I know it sounds ridiculous and I know why he does what he did but for once, can he just go with the flow and stay angry with me. heheh...

I like to plan - actually I am pretty anal about plans. I know I'd have conversations about a certain plan and the next thing I know I have not vocalized my plans to my colleagues or friends or family members. Scary. I could get myself into trouble.

I need to stop that conversations in my head. But what happens if I vocalized my thoughts - in the car or the train or anywhere... people may think I "goondoo" liao!

Goodbye Gym!

I first hit the gym in 1999 at California Fitness and I've been a member since. I have decided that I cannot afford to go to the gym in the next few months. Simply because of time and my office location.

I must admit I have not found "the" place for my runs yet. I've explored Serangoon area - housing estates, private estates, stadium and even went to explore Bishan Park and tried running at MacRitchie. With the latter 2, while it's nice to be doing the runs surrounded by nature, I don't feel comfortable since it gets dark by 7pm.

It has been a real challenge to run in the mornings. I remembered doing that when Abang was 10-11months old but with Adik, it's just different. I'm lucky if he continues to sleep through the night.

On Sundays, I get my boys and hubby to run with me. Hubby is my motivator and he thinks I should participate in that Safra run this Sept. He nust have forgotten that I have signed up for that Women run in July. Abang helps me with my stamina because he likes to make me do short sprints running after him. Adik I guess cheers me on as I run towards his pram! He usually squeals in delight!

A girlfriend asked how do I find time. To be honest, I put it in my calendar. And it is tough. I sacrifice on sleep, if I have a call at 8pm, I leave the office at 6-ish and be back in office again by 7-ish pm to get ready for the call. I am vain, I want to stay healthy and most importantly, I want to feel & look good.

When there's a will, there's a way.

Memories @ the Hospitals

I remembered running around hospital grounds when I was young. No. I was not admitted in hospital rather we used to fetch mom back from work in the evenings and on weekends when mom was working as a nurse in KKH. I love the smell of hospital, I loved listening to stories that mom shared with us – some were scary but most of the stories were funny. It is even funnier now when you recall the stories as I go through some of the experiences myself. It is however not funny when you are in labour and the midwife says she knows your mom!

A few weeks ago, I was back in KKH because my 9 month old baby was hospitalized for fever and bronchitis. By the time we took him there, we knew I was going to be staying with him for the week. The ward was full – we were in a 5 bedder room – not by choice but it was a different experience for us; we are thankful(Alhamdullilah) for what Allah has given us. As I stay awake in the middle of the night, I could not help but recall the scary stories that mom used to share with us. Not a good thing to do when you are alone so I had to pull the blanket over my head to prevent myself from seeing things I don’t want to see! The room was damn cold and I could feel the cold right through my bones and we were by the window! I was glad I had my iphone; I swear that was my best friend that week and I was convinced to get the iphone 4 ;0

My baby was discharged on a Friday evening and the following week I brought mom to NUH for her Op. Again, I had the time to explore the hospital grounds while I was told to wait for mom. I think my legs brought me to places I am not supposed to go. I cannot imagine walking along the corridors of NUH at night and I made a mental note to park my car at the main building! It was pretty eerie or maybe it was just me?!

I used to distance myself from SGH. That hospital brings back lots of painful memories. 2 years ago, we registered Abang at Little Skool House and the school is within SGH premises. I learnt to shut my thoughts when I am there especially when I drive/walk past a certain building.

Shape Run for Women - Will I be There?

I have paid and I have registered. Event is on July 24th

Now I have to make it happen. I started running but stopped a few weeks ago because I had things to attend to. This morning I started running again and I enjoyed the quiet morning around my estate.

Today, I realized I have to be in Indonesia on July 23rd – we have a big “LIVE” event in Indonesia at that time and I am required to be there. Damn. Then I’m told that I may have to be in another event in Malaysia on July 24th, fly in Sunday morning from Jakarta. No! No! No! Double Damn.

Can I wiggle my way out???

Conversation Between Two Old Friends

Location: At Darul Aman Mosque

Aunty Onah: Eh Jo... kau tak nampak tua!!!

Mom: Apalah Kak Onah nie... dah tua lah

Aunty Onah: tak tak tua... kau tengok aku, banyak wrinkles here and there

Mom: laughs. Apalah Kak Onah... semua dah tuakan. Tak nampak jer. Dah cover kan...

Aunty Onah: Aku lagi tua lah.. kau tengok kau tengok (pointing to all the lines on her face)

They both then hugged and go their separate ways..

Kak Onah or as I call her Cik Onah, is 75 years old. She's a very jovial old lady. Loves to laugh out loud and is still very confident behind the wheels! She makes the best sambal belacan and I am still trying to convince her to give me her recipe! They've been friends for as long as I can remember - started off as colleagues, now sees each other at the mosques, high tea events and go on a short holiday together.

Sweet.

Mama's Produce

I'm throwing away my breastmilk. In 4hrs time. I am leaving the milk in room temperature. I am in Manila and there is no way I can bring it home with me. I leave for Singapore tomorrow evening.

Breast ache. Heart ache.

A Juggler

I am now a mother to 2 boys and I must say, it is tough being a mom and a career woman. I want to climb the career ladder and yet at the same time I want to do everything for my kids and family. I know I can do both and I know by doing both, I will one day collapse and resent myself.

A good friend told me it's OK to ask for help. I have help. My mom and my MIL and I have a maid. My husband does help with household chores and managing the kids esp with the elder one. I just cannot ask for help from my mom and MIL post 730pm on weekdays. To me, it is MY/ OUR responsility to look after our own kids. Not theirs. We choose to have kids, we need to figure out how to manage our time. I look at my mom and she is getting older each day. She likes to go to the mosques and reads the Quran and now is the time for her to do that. I know she loves her grandkids too but I can't take away what she likes to do while I work late or meet with friends or go to the gym after work. That to me is just wrong.

I know I will get through this. I know when hubby says he supports my decision to climb the career ladder, he is really OK with that. I cannot resent myself if I miss Baby Adik's milestones in his first year (like what I did with baby Abang). I must learn to accept that, come to terms with it and move on. There'll be many other milestones as my boys get older. I just have to make sure, I am there to see and experience them.

2010 - A Year to Remember

What a difference a year makes!

2010 I will never forget you. It's a year where there were so many joys, laughter and tough moments. We welcomed a new member to the family - Baby Adik is a National Day Baby. There were fireworks that night and we enjoyed the view from the hospital room - it was like a party, friends and their kids were making so much noise and the nurses left us to celebrate.

Baby Abang goes to Daycare. The first few months were tough; he cried almost everyday but now he looks forward to going to school, speaks too much and loves to sing and dance. Sometimes I wonder if he is growing too fast - seems like that to me based on the questions and things he says. Last night he told his Abah he wants to play with Abah's army friends' kids and asked if the kids were his age. Army friends?

I now have a sister-in-law. My elder brother decided that it's time to settle down - yes, after so many girlfriends and headaches he caused mom (and I), he ties the knot. Don't know whether it's scary; he married an Aries/ Tiger, my age and a few days younger than me! And we got along just fine. Few good things about him being married, we see each other at least once a week at mom's, we have dinner together and he finally listens to my opinions and not take it personally! He also goes to family weddings and visits - now that is a HUGE change.

I got myself a Ford Fiesta. Lime green - cheerful just like me. We moved offices and there was no way hubby could drop me off at work. We did our calculations and it's best for me to just get a car. It feels good to FINALLY have my own car! Yes, I did have a car when I was single but my late father put the deposit to that. Now it's mine! I must say this - I MISS MY MORNING RIDE WITH HUBBY!

2010 is also a year where we are reminded that life is not always smooth and we must always be thankful to Him for all He gives us and put us through. In April, 10 days before I left for a business trip I was asked to see my gynea immediately. It was a Sat and we were on our way to lunch when we got that call. The nurse said something about my baby. It was a very stressful 10 days after - going to the hospital to get some tests done and waiting for results. I was close to cancelling my biz trip and felt at ease the day before my trip. In Europe, I was unable to fly out of Cannes - thanks to the volcanic ash. I remembered waking up to get ready to go to the airport only to get a text message from a good friend informing me that the airport in Amsterdam was closed. That morning, I went for a walk by the beach and enjoyed the silence and sun. No volcanic ash in the air I thought.

I moved from Cannes to Milan hoping to get out of Europe. Milan, the fashion capital. I was greeted by Prada, Gucci, Furla, you name it but nothing excites me. All I want was to go home to my son and hubby. I remembered consoling a 40++ year old colleague - she was very upset to stay in a funky hotel! Yes, it was funky - imagine red lights along the corridor, black doors with graffiti and a huge orange bed at the lift lobby!

Still stuck in Europe, I had to get out. I looked at every possible flights and city that I could fly out from. Even thought of taking the cruise from Rome to Athens to get out. I got a call from Amloyd informing me there was a flight out of Milan but boss was against the idea of me traveling on economy. At that moment, I don't care. I just want to go home. I was upset but decided to just hang on. I finally got out of Europe via Rome. The 10hrs bus ride from Milan to Rome was back breaking and the minute SQ took off, I turned to my boss and told her I was going to cry. I felt my body relaxed and slept for the next 12hrs!

2010 is a very stressful year at work. Because of the short financial year, there were so many things that needed to be done. And because I was preggie, I need to finish so many things before I go on maternity leave. I remembered working on budgets and some other new business developments projects in May. I got up every morning at 4am to start work and since hubby was away, I thought I could go on like that. The day I submitted all my work, it was the same day hubby got home. The next morning at 4am, my water bag leaked and we made our way to hospital. Mom was crying when I left Baby Abang with her, hubby was very quiet throughout the trip and I had too many what ifs in my head. It was the most scary moment in our lives. In KKH I was restless. I remembered asking hubby if the hospital has wifi and he glared at me. He even refused to charge my BB for me. I deserved it. I was also concerned for mom because my elder brother was getting married the following week. I was supposed to help her with the wedding preparations and I added more stress on her. I was on hospitalization leave for 2 weeks. And if that is not all, I slipped and fell on my bump when I sent Baby Abang to school.

Everything was good until we got to end of July when Baby Abang caught HFMD. Like any parents, we were worried, what more I was due in 2 weeks. Abang was cranky, lost a lot of weight, thankfully still active.

I had a staff who resigned when I was on maternity leave. I think he did that to spite me. But he said he's going because he was offered better moolah. Good for him. I can now start bringing in a new blood and get new ideas going. Change is the only constant thing in life and one has to embrace change. If you cannot do that, then please go and not hinder others. I still have not found a replacement for him. Sometimes what you really want may not necessarily be what others want.

Just before I got back to work, mom sprained her arm and could not carry Baby Adik. Mon-in-law had to go for an operation and was not allowed to carry anything. I can't remember much but all I know is things worked out well for us and it's already been a month.

I've learnt from 2010 and am thankful for my family, friends, colleagues and most importantly my hubby. You know how stubborn and fiercely independent I can be and yet you continue to have that patience for me.

I want 2010 to end and I look forward to 2011. I pray that 2011 will be a smoother year for me. InsyaAllah.

Hot Topic

Since we moved to Lorong Chuan, the topics of conversation revolves around food, the location and how much our lives have changed. Our weekends are sacred - that precious time we have, we want to sleep in, spend time with family, friends but now, we wake up early on Sat to run our errands. We've been charged with late payments - phone bills, etc. We have to ensure we have enough money in our wallet because there is no ATM machine in our building! I have $80 in my purse for the longest time and it has been like that for many weeks. But when the weekend comes, I spend more - on food and things that I don't usually buy when our office was in town.

I still have not figured out how and when I can squeeze in some time to exercise and doing my errands on weekdays. I need to figure out how to do cash transfer online to another bank and figure out what time I need to leave the office to get to the nearest mall - I don't want to wait in the queue for that parking lot. So many changes and adjustments and I have not even shared with you changes from a professional front and physically!

While it can be hilarious listening to colleagues and friends talking about adjustments and the experiences they get when they go to the neighbourhood malls, it also made me realize how spoilt some of us are... me included.

Year 2010 has been nothing but changes and challenges and yes, some good moments. It's 28 days to end of the year... and while I can continue to moan and groan, I have to snap out of it and embrace these changes and challenges.

VW GTI, I Heart You

I got a taste of GTI on Thursday last week - and took that opportunity to drive to Adam Road for lunch. The feeling was orgasmic. It was a blast to drive. The car has a strong engine, is stable and definitely has oomph!

A few months ago, when I was looking for a car to buy, that was one car that I deliberately kept away from. I knew if I had gone ahead to test drive it, I would have bought it. If I had done that, it was simply because I gave in to temptation. I know hubby would be very happy because he had always wanted to get a GTI. Being practical helps, I moved away from all VW cars!

So when Chris offered his keys to me, how could I resist? I just had to get behind the wheel and feel the surge as I step on the accelerator. Do I want to get a VW next? The answer is no. I am saving for that dream car next.

Ready, Get Set, Go!

I went back to work today - I took 3 months maternity leave and will definitely take that Friday off for the next 20 weeks!

I have to admit, I was very excited. First day back at work, first day in the new office, first day driving a new route to work, first day dropping Irfan off at nenek's place. I couldn't sleep the night before. Each time I opened my eye, the first thing I looked at was the clock. At 530am when my alarm went off, I was on the go go go!

Straight to kitchen to prepare breakfast and dinner. Yes dinner. I was supposed to be on a conference call tonight and do not want to take it at nenek's place - because that would mean Abang, Abah and Adik will be home really late. So I decided to prepare dinner. It was chicken curry, fried vegetables and fishball soup for Abang. I had everything planned, down to what happens if Irfan cries on the way to nenek's place. Contingency plans in place. The only thing that was not finalized was the route to take to office. I decided to go via AYE-CTE and made it to work at a decent time.

Day 1 done. Day 2 tomorrow - need to find time to exercise in the morning. I realized tonight that whatever time I have in the evenings will be for the kids and later Abah. No night runs for now.

Conversation with Abang

Abang: Mama, are we going out today?
Mama: We are not. It is raining.
Abang: We can still go mama. I tell you. Abah take the car and we go under the shelter to wait.
Mama: huh?
Abang: We wait at shelter Mama, not wet and then get in the car. Can right Mama?

Baby Abang & Baby Adik

When I was pregnant with Irfan, Adli refused to be called Abang. He always addressed himself as Baby Abang and insisted that adik will be called Baby Adik. He would throw tantrums if anyone called him Abang. It was tough to convince him to change his mind.

Despite being toilet trained, he wanted to put on his diaper when he is with us at home. He claimed that if he wore his underpants, he would be an Abang and he wants to continue being the baby. We gave in - simply because I was tired of having to deal with a crying boy. I prayed hard and hope that he would change.

When Adli met Irfan for the first time, he was shy but came forward to kiss Baby Adik. Interestingly, he addresses himself as Abang when Adik cries and when he talks to his younger brother. Today he says diapers are for babies and he does not need one. He still wants to be cuddled like a baby but will only do so when Adik is asleep or playing on his own. When I asked Adli if he is still a baby, he said "Yes! But I am a Big Baby!"

Home Maker, Mom & Career Woman

I've enjoyed the last 3 months as a home maker and fulltime mom. I enjoyed seeing my baby grow, listening to my elder son's stories about school, his friends and playing with his imaginary toys, listening to hubby telling me about his work - everything.I'm happy to spend time preparing dinner and watching SEDAP almost every evening to get some interesting recipes to try. I made desserts - brownie, pulut serunding, serawa, naga sari... food that hubby and son love. I read and surf the internet. I met with gfs and kept abreast of industry and office developments. I spent time with mom and listening to mom's stories. I started exercising - and now I could run again. Today it took me 16mins to run 2km. Not great but it's a good start. I spent time by myself, to reflect and think of my next steps and plan for my future.

And I think I have enough of all of that. Now I want to go back to work. I want to get caught in traffic in the morning. I want to wake up early and enjoy the silence as I prepare breakfast for my boys and get my adrenalin running at 6am. I want to dress up, put on my make up and do my hair. I want to change my bags everyday and wear all those shoes in the storeroom!

Will I miss being a full time mom? No but I will definitely be very happy to take on that mom and home maker role every evenings, the weekends and public holidays.

What a Waste!

We were told we could take some office furniture home. I was in the office last evening to take some drawers and shelves – not for me but for my brother and sister-in-law. A few weeks back, they mentioned they wanted to get some furniture for their bedroom so timing was perfect.

I have to admit, there were a lot of furniture that are in good condition. The shelves and cupboards in my boss’s room were built like 7 months ago. Everything is so new and I was told that it will be destroyed. We are getting Helen Miller chairs in the new office – yes, each chair is about $1K and yet in the current office, we have so many other chairs that are still usable.

I remembered when we had our first office move meeting – we wanted to save as much furniture as we can and re-use our chairs. I don’t know what happened in July, all that changed. Now, in the new office, we are getting new chairs, new furniture, new microwave, new fridge – everything is new! I have not been to the new office but I do get an office reno update very often with pictures attached.

I asked our HR VP who was with me, why we didn’t auction off our stuff – or even organize Garage Sale. Monies collected can either go to charity or to staff welfare. She said something about the quotations that she received and they were not so great.

What?! It’s better than not getting anything at all.

Goodbye The Atrium, Hello Lorong Chuan!

Yes we are moving. We are joining HBO and ESPN at Lorong Chuan.
I was part of the office move committee and this was definitely not my choice. The building reminds me of Bestway Building and the office space had a weird smell. One of my colleagues did not like it either but when she saw the tennis court, that worked for her. I wanted an office in the East - closer to hubby and we even planned to move to the East to cut traveling time in the morning!

I said 'goodbye" to our office in Atrium at the end of July. In fact, I said goodbye to many things - convenience, shopping malls, Starbucks and yes that prata cafe downstairs! I am not a fan but when you are pressed for time, you just have to go downstairs to grab food. I'll be saying hello to canteen food - and I think I may get up early to prepare lunch.

I saw an email this morning regarding the office move - the critical dates, the standard message to use in our "out of office" response and suddenly I wish I am in the office to experience the chaos. The last time we moved out of Temasek Towers, the whole office was a mess, we had a party - streamers, paints, shredded paper strewn everywhere! I wonder if the same would happen here at the Atrium.
The email also wanted HODs to be in the office by 830am - (yeah right), the MD to send a welcome note between a certain time and the first phone rings at 9am. I bet it's all because of Fengshui - we did engage a Fengshui Master to determine where a HOD sits and what to avoid. I remembered HR asking HODs for their DOB - some did not give and I am one of them. One of my colleagues who gave her DOB was told to remain single and forget about getting married! How depressing is that?!

1st Nov - a new chapter kicks in for us all. And for me that would be Nov 9 when I'm officially back in office!