Emotional Wreck

Mom is going for an operation this Monday. We found out last week she has tumor in her brain. We saw a neurologist a couple of days ago and was told that the tumor has to be removed. Shocking. Well the good news is, the tumor is benign. The world wide web is a good source for information but too much information is not good. I have been reading and I think I have to stop myself from picturing every single situation. What's worst, when mom asks questions, I have to feign ignorance and keep telling her to focus on getting better - so she can play with her grandchildren, go for her Quran sessions (and get that cert!) and spend time with her friends! Just when I thought I have one problem covered, I received phone calls from her closest friends and sisters - listening to their concerns and fears only make me want to cry.

That's the problem. I don't think I can cry. The last time I cry loads was like 11 years ago. I am so afraid to cry because I fear that once I start I cannot stop and I need to build that shield all over again. Plus, I don't want to answer the questions that my son asks. And he can ask lots of questions! It's too tiring. I think internally, I am a wreck. Emotional wreck.
I find solace in prayers, in my long runs and when I drive home from work. And when the kids are asleep and hubby and I talk. But no amount of talking can change the way I feel.

Mom being mom has given me a list of asks. I don't know whether it's the middle child syndrome or because I am a girl, I have that list with me. Deja vu. On the list, there is a huge ask. So huge that I have been thinking about it for the past few days and I guess will continue thinking about it until mom fully recovers. I know the answer to helping me make that decision.... I guess I am afraid of the answer.

I like to plan. Everything I do, I have a plan. Next week my plan is to be with her, to be with my boys, to also be at work. My boys.... I feel guilty when I see mom and my MIL looking tired. I feel horrible when I don't see them for days. The second one is quite a character. He simply ignores me when I come home late or when I come home from a trip. I have several trips in the next few weeks and I seriously don't know if I am able to include those in my current plans.

Monday. InsyaAllah, all will be good.