2011 - A Roller Coaster Ride

It's hard to believe the year is almost over. As I look back at 2011, I must admit it's a year that is filled with lots of love, challenges and 180 degrees turn!

And all those challenges that I went through is a test of my patience and I must admit some times I am amazed at how much patience I have over some people and matters. I will always remember what my late father said to me and insyaAllah, I will see it through.

I've never felt so tired and often I catch myself asking whether all the stress and pressures are worth it. This week, the answer would be yes- especially when you see the big fat bonus that sits in the bank account! Alhamdullilah.

Working hard is a given but this year, I feel that I have worked extremely hard. I don't think 2012 will be an easy year either but I do know that whatever I went through this year is to prepare me for whatever else that is coming my way.

I will remember a few things that happened this year.

One -I've been told more than once by my boss that I should never worry or be very concerned with what people think of me. If I have to be mean or a bitch to get to where I want, I will have to do just that. I did not agree with that because that's not who I am. Everyone deals with situations differently and I prefer doing it my way. Perhaps that's one of the reasons why certain things stay as it is.

Two - I was asked by a male colleague what's the formula to survive in this company. Dude, pray. But I did not say that. At that moment, I wished I did not know his future and I reminded myself to stay far far away from office politics. It brings one unhappiness.

Three - Have you heard of narcissistic personality disorder? Imagine having to manage a person with one. I'm still managing that and it is a tiring process.

Four - I have also learned to take time to understand my colleague, "OG" better - something that I rarely do to someone who constantly pissed me off at work. I've gone for coffee, lunches and work trips with him and I realize that he is a nice person. As I get to know him more, I begin to understand why he does things the way he does. I've also learnt to draw boundaries and if I'm tasked to do beyond that boundary, I make sure the people who ought to know, knows.

Five - I recently went to a women networking breakfast session. The session looked at how women climbed the career ladders and what one has to do to get to the top. The answers vary - learn to play golf someone said, learn a sport, don't let your gender come in the way.... etc etc. Yes, perhaps all of that is important. However, I came out of the session and felt that it was a complete waste of time. Seriously, there is a reason why God creates men and women. There has to be a balance in how things work. Male bosses are not emotional, straight forward and they make better bosses some say. But women bosses are good at multi tasking and has soft skills and are able to reach out to everyone whether they realize it or not. That to me should be your one of your strengths to get you to the top. In any organizations, you cannot have an all women or all men in the management team. That is a recipe to disaster.

And speaking of climbing the career ladder, I must admit that it is TOUGH to manage 2 kids and career! While I have a very strong support system, I find that I am always planning ahead and my mind is always thinking. Perhaps that's why I feel so tired. I am conscious of what I go through and I know what I have to do to slow down, take a step back and breathe. And yet, I am going against all that. SELFISH. That's how I describe the situation that I am in. I am selfish and I want it all. For how much longer???

Ning No More

I have to thank my mom for making me act on a decision I made about eight to ten weeks ago.

When she called and told me she did not want to see Ning in her house, the very next day I sent Ning back to the agency. The intent of doing so was already there… it’s just that I have been procrastinating. Why I really don’t know.

I’m glad I did because I began to realize recently that situation at home is a lot better. When Ning was around, my hubby and I were really short tempered and were easily annoyed…perhaps because we had to control our anger at Ning and we ended up venting at each other. Also, it feels so peaceful and calm as we step into the house in the evening and when I wake up really early in the morning to do whatever I have to do.

Bliss.

My Fellow Orange Team

These are the people that I hang around with 4-6 times in a year, in various places and countries. And we talk on a weekly basis. The experience between them is vast and varied and each time when I meet them, I feel so rejuvenated.

They’ve motivated and have thought me in many ways in my career and I am truly appreciative of the opportunity.

We are colleagues and some I definitely can call friends. The group used to be so much bigger but with changes in the organizational structure and promotions, this is the current group of programmers for the brand I work for. We make decisions together and agree on decisions. One of the requirements for this role is to be able to convince everyone that the decision to take on a program will bring in desired results to the company. Stressful initially but you learn along the way – the spectrum of things to look at is wide!

This shot was taken when we took the London eye. Other than having to work together, whenever we travel to a foreign city, we make time to explore this city. This was one of the evenings when we explored London city – the tallest guy being our head was also the leader in that small tour group. He is the tallest, how could anyone miss him?!

Our meeting venue changes all the time. As long as there is an office in that particular cluster, we can hold our meeting. I am on a mission to get them to Singapore. It’d be a good experience for everyone – to experience the culture and understand what we go through. On a selfish note, it takes me 2 to 3 days to recuperate from long haul trips! I want them to experience that too :)

Treasured Experience

I have to say that I have been very fortunate to be working with one of the best brands in the world. I meet with people of various cultures, nationalities, backgrounds and there are some who I have called friends. I have seen myself grown over the years, on all levels, personally and professionally. My colleagues are very down to earth and real and that’s what I really and truly thankful for. Without such people around me, working life would have been very miserable.

I do reflect on my life once in a while to make sure that I stay focused on my personal goals. For people who work in this media industry, we are lucky to be walking along the Mediterranean for work, we are lucky to be eating and dining in the best restaurants, served by well known Chefs (not that I am a fan of fine dining but hey!... soak in the moment).

We are lucky to soak in luxury as we do our meeting on luxury yacht. We were on the Galaxy Castletown ( Jayzee and Beyonce once booked the same yacht!) for dinner- We had the privileged to do a boat tour – it’s massive! There is a gym and a Jacuzzi, kitchen, an office, a laundry area, a helipad.. when the owner decides to be on board and 16 crews on board! Talk about the life of the rich and famous!


Most importantly, we continue to be inspired by the creative people from around the world. I met with creators of popular kids shows as they come in to pitch their ideas, how thorough they are in terms of research, in terms of association with the professionals in the kids’ space, how connected they are to technology and creating content to feed all the mutiplatforms that continues to grow till this day.
I’m inspired each time I return from my trip or sessions with my colleagues. I hope that inspiration continues and translates in what I do.

The Talkative Dutch man

I've met many Dutch men and they are mostly very tall and straightforward. I don't recall any of them to be a chatterbox.

Tonight, a handful of us were picked to have dinner with our 2 big bosses. Our seating arrangements were pre-arranged. I had colleagues from Europe around the table and I sat across a Dutch man. I've met him often at MIPs but we never spoke. At most it's just a handshake or a smile.
Tonight, he was seated across me and oh boy! he can talk and talk and talk. It was entertaining, he was funny, forthcoming and noble. At the end of dinner, I felt like I've known him for a LONG time!... I've never met a talkative guy like that... or rather I don't like men who are talkative.

Patrick Alders... you've left an impression.

An Awkward Situation

Facebook has brought me and my cousins in Malaysia closer together. In a way, it's good because now I don't have to wait for someone to get married or for that special call we make when they come to mind.
But I also realized that I cannot update my status on FB especially when I travel. Not that I say where I go usually but I like to leave comments on certain things. Reason being, if they know I am in town, I have to go visit!

And I did that today. The last time I saw my cuzzys was when my brother got married - that was June last year. Since then, we've been on FB and kinda know what happens. So tonight, I spent my evening with my 3 cousins - all ladies. The elder one brought her hubby along - everything was good. Nice to catch up and all.

My cousins have always been hospitable... so much so that it puts me in a very awkward position now. Let's just say, I enjoyed the first part of the night very much.... and the second part... those days are long gone.

The Story of Ning and Nong

Ning and Nong. Our domestic helpers.
One stays with mom and one with me. Both can be blood suckers.

Nong has been with us for about 18 months now. I think she has the easiest job in the world - all she has to do is accompany mom everywhere she goes and household chores. How difficult can that be - there is only mom and my younger brother (who is turning 30 next year!). My son only goes to mom 3x per week. The rest of the week, it's just the 2 of them at home. And yet, she does not her work well. It annoys me big time when mom does the housework because she is tired of scolding Nong for not doing a great job. It makes me angry now because mom is supposed to be resting and not tire herself out since she just had her op. Sometimes I wonder why do I even bother paying her full salary - I think half of the salary should go to mom. One recent incident which ticked me off completely was when mom told Nong to buy her some meat at the market. She did, except that she bought it from a Chinese stall!! She must be blind. All that frequent visits to mosques and religious classes clearly has not left any impact on her. Hubby does not usually intefere with maid matters, but this time round, she got a earful from hubby. When we left mom's place, her eyes were swollen. Padan muka.

Ning. What can I say. The decision to take another maid happened quickly. MIL needed help to look after the small one and this is for an interim period only. Once mom fully recovers, we'll go back to our usual routine. Nong is a transfer maid. I am her 3rd employer. She likes to make small talks and comments; I'm sure over time, that will stop. We just have to ignore her. We brought her home on the eve of Ramadan. At the agency, we spell out her roles very clearly. At home, I spell out her roles again and told her what my expectations are. 3 weeks into her job, I continue to remind her what her role is.

To be honest, I don't like having a maid at home - my hubby helps me with household chores. I don't like the idea of a domestic helper minding the kids and cooking. Those two roles are meant for moms or grandmas when they help. I don't have a lot of things at home - so there isn't much cleaning to do either. Plus I am anal and can be very OCD most of the times. I like things to be done my way and in precise location so little things that is not pleasing to the eye can annoy me. And those little things are accumulating.

One recent incident - the floor was sticky and she claimed she has mopped the floor. And she mops almost every other day. I told her off and while doing so, she got the cheek to tell me to "istigfar maam". Now. Let's rewind. When she first came to our place, she does not even carry a prayer mat and keludung. She wore tight short sleeved T-shirts and tight capri pants. I gave her clothes because I don't like her attire. I had to listen to her read a surah, doa iftitah, pray and make sure that she reads her niat puasa correctly. She must be blind too because for the past 3 weeks or so, she didn't see me pray in the wee hours of the morning. She must have walked with her eyes closed when she wakes up for sahur. And now she's telling me to istigfar and all I did was to tell her off. I was not even angry - only my voice was very stern. Of course she then got a earful from me... everything from a religious perspective. Don't start. When I told hubby and mom, she got another lecture from them.

Sometimes I wonder if they really think of the situation that they are in. They take a loan of 7 million rupiah but when it comes to payment, the agency deducts 7 months salary from them. That's $3.8K which is about 2 Billion rupiah. They seem nonchalant about it. Ning's easy way out is telling me to send her back to the agency. Last night, I gave her an opportunity to talk to her family members - since it's the eve of Eid. She did and since I had the phone on speaker, I could hear bits and pieces of the conversation. She was asked a few times to send monies home. I wonder if that sets her thinking.

A friend said you now can do all the things that you want to do. Er no leh. Because I don't like the maid to mind my kids and cook, I still have to do all that. And I have 2 boys, when one is asleep, the other one becomes demanding and wants me to do everything with him. So, no not really.

Ramadan in a Foreign Land

This is not the first time I experience Ramadan in a foreign land. When I was a student in Australia, I remembered having to tolerate the heat (it was 40degress and dry!) and breaking fast with instant noodles. When I started working with Nick, I would be traveling to Indonesia, Malaysia, Europe during Ramadan. The toughest I would say is being in Europe. There were several years when I had to do it during MIP - the amount of walking and talking that I have to do the whole day was exhausting. Breaking fast in a middle of a meeting with just one date and cold plain water was pretty depressing. That situation has not changed till today.

I am in London this week. It's summer and the days are long. Break fast is close to 9pm and fajr is at 415am. The first night, the team had dinner together and I waited patiently until I could eat. While I keep myself busy talking to my colleagues, my boss had to announce to everyone that I am fasting. And with that I had to explain what Ramadan is all over again, why I'm fasting eventhough I can be excused. The second night, we had dinner on a roof top - at OXO Tower London. The restaurant offers a breathtaking view of the city and the river. The company was good but I wished I wasn't there. It just does not feel right after you've fasted the whole day. I had 3 slices of french toast and did not even finish my meal. It was risotto.

I can't even wake up in the morning for sahur. I did this morning though but I'm very sure I will fall asleep during our session later in the afternoon.

I miss the Ramadan atmosphere - from the prayer call, to the conversations, the songs you hear on radio, the conversations you have with your friends and family and of course the warm meals that greet you.

I don't have any cravings for any food - the only craving I have is a mug of kopi susu and the company of my family.

A Small World We Live In

This morning, I met with my late father's ex-colleague.

He was my cab driver to the airport. He initially thought I was Chinese and was pleasantly surprised I responded in Bahasa Melayu. That broke the ice and what happened after was an interesting conversation. With the bad morning traffic, there was so much I found out.

He asked me lots of questions - the usual ones; where you going? what you doing, married, kids, parents. I gave very little information and I knew he wanted more. I wouldn't have mentioned my late Dad if he had not said he was an ex police officer. Who would have thought he knew my father and could described my dad and his mannerisms so well! It's so heartwarming to know that my Dad left a good impression with his colleagues. As we continued to talk, he told me that his cousin is married to a Singaporean who is teaching at University Islam Antarabangsa. He was keen to introduce me to her and asked if I would be interested. As he described her and how she met his cousin, I knew I know who he was referring to. He was refering to my cousin(!!), who now lives in KL and returns to Singapore every year during Lebaran. We were both pleasantly surprise at the discovery and concluded that we are relatives after all!

He is a very nice man. Thoughtful, fatherly figure and gave me good advise towards work as well as life. I wish him well and I hope to meet him again one day. Believe it or not, he has my number and I have his.

Man! Man! Woman! Woman!

I was caught in KLIA immigration for 2hrs last Sunday.
Everything was crawling... as I get to the front, an immigration officer stood up and went like this:

Immigration officer: "Man! Man! Oi Man!"

He turned to his colleague: "aku panggil man tak dengar. nak aku panggil woman agoknya!"

And then he continued: "Man! Man! oi Man!" he was calling for the Arab man in line to go to his counter.

I wanted to tell him then "Oi Bang! Bukan Man or Woman! How about "oi! Next!"

No wonder it takes 2hrs for me to clear customs!

Mom is HOME!

Mom is finally home! She got home last night.

I am thankful that all went well.

My mind is at ease now and I can start to slow down.

I’ve also managed to get another maid on board – this weekend we are fetching her. Need an additional one in the interim to help MIL with my little one. He is super fast and mischievous. Grandma is exhausted each evening.

I want to thank you my friends for being so supportive, for sharing my worry, for the jokes and making me laugh, for sharing my joy and most importantly, for keeping my mom in your prayers! The positive energy keeps me going. You are the best and you know who you are!!

My colleagues, my friends

There are some colleagues in the office that you can call friends.
I have some really good friends in the office.

There are 2-3 friends whom I turned to for advise. There are at least 8 years my senior and they have been my sounding boards. They give me a very different perspective to things -one sits in Int'l and one sits here. The one in International provides me with a bigger picture; giving me an opportunity to put the missing pieces together and gives a damn good advise that I am super thankful for. The one in Singapore listens to my plans and make sure I stay on the right direction.

They've pushed me to think beyond certain boundaries and they've always reminded me that at the end of the day, I must gain from all the challenges that I am currently going through. Never be shy to ask and state what I want and that is something that I continue to struggle with. I know I will overcome that struggle one day.... and I have been reminded that I need to do it soon!

Say Goodbye to $55!

I was very sure I could participate in that Shape Women Run on July 24th.
So sure that I paid $55 to register.

Yesterday, participants were asked to collect their pass and goodie bag. I missed it because I had to fetch mom to the hospital.

Next week I have to keep my schedule fluid. But I have 2 fixed travel dates towards the end of the week. Jakarta and then KL... all within 2 days.
Jakarta for a project which I have been on since March. July 23rd is the LIVE event. KL - I was asked to help out for that project. I have been asked to manage some authority that issues permits.

I have to learn to trust myself and others that all will be fine.

Emotional Wreck

Mom is going for an operation this Monday. We found out last week she has tumor in her brain. We saw a neurologist a couple of days ago and was told that the tumor has to be removed. Shocking. Well the good news is, the tumor is benign. The world wide web is a good source for information but too much information is not good. I have been reading and I think I have to stop myself from picturing every single situation. What's worst, when mom asks questions, I have to feign ignorance and keep telling her to focus on getting better - so she can play with her grandchildren, go for her Quran sessions (and get that cert!) and spend time with her friends! Just when I thought I have one problem covered, I received phone calls from her closest friends and sisters - listening to their concerns and fears only make me want to cry.

That's the problem. I don't think I can cry. The last time I cry loads was like 11 years ago. I am so afraid to cry because I fear that once I start I cannot stop and I need to build that shield all over again. Plus, I don't want to answer the questions that my son asks. And he can ask lots of questions! It's too tiring. I think internally, I am a wreck. Emotional wreck.
I find solace in prayers, in my long runs and when I drive home from work. And when the kids are asleep and hubby and I talk. But no amount of talking can change the way I feel.

Mom being mom has given me a list of asks. I don't know whether it's the middle child syndrome or because I am a girl, I have that list with me. Deja vu. On the list, there is a huge ask. So huge that I have been thinking about it for the past few days and I guess will continue thinking about it until mom fully recovers. I know the answer to helping me make that decision.... I guess I am afraid of the answer.

I like to plan. Everything I do, I have a plan. Next week my plan is to be with her, to be with my boys, to also be at work. My boys.... I feel guilty when I see mom and my MIL looking tired. I feel horrible when I don't see them for days. The second one is quite a character. He simply ignores me when I come home late or when I come home from a trip. I have several trips in the next few weeks and I seriously don't know if I am able to include those in my current plans.

Monday. InsyaAllah, all will be good.

Conversations with Myself

Do you do that? Do you have conversations in your head and with yourself?
I do. Does everyone do that? I don't know. I told a girlfriend once and she laughed at me. I don't think that was funny.

What kind of conversations you may ask. All sorts. Half the time, I vent my frustrations, anger and sometimes I plan - I think I have a white board in my mind somewhere.

I have a very high tolerance level towards some people and I find it amusing that these people think I can tolerate a lot. Just because I keep quiet does not mean I don't have feelings. There are other reasons why I don't react.

I do share my thoughts with hubby. I am not a saint and sometimes those thoughts could be mean or angry thoughts. It frustrates me when my hubby does not agree with my thoughts and gives an alternative or a different point of view. And then I would go into this argument in my head- an argument that questions why he does not agree with me. I know it sounds ridiculous and I know why he does what he did but for once, can he just go with the flow and stay angry with me. heheh...

I like to plan - actually I am pretty anal about plans. I know I'd have conversations about a certain plan and the next thing I know I have not vocalized my plans to my colleagues or friends or family members. Scary. I could get myself into trouble.

I need to stop that conversations in my head. But what happens if I vocalized my thoughts - in the car or the train or anywhere... people may think I "goondoo" liao!

Goodbye Gym!

I first hit the gym in 1999 at California Fitness and I've been a member since. I have decided that I cannot afford to go to the gym in the next few months. Simply because of time and my office location.

I must admit I have not found "the" place for my runs yet. I've explored Serangoon area - housing estates, private estates, stadium and even went to explore Bishan Park and tried running at MacRitchie. With the latter 2, while it's nice to be doing the runs surrounded by nature, I don't feel comfortable since it gets dark by 7pm.

It has been a real challenge to run in the mornings. I remembered doing that when Abang was 10-11months old but with Adik, it's just different. I'm lucky if he continues to sleep through the night.

On Sundays, I get my boys and hubby to run with me. Hubby is my motivator and he thinks I should participate in that Safra run this Sept. He nust have forgotten that I have signed up for that Women run in July. Abang helps me with my stamina because he likes to make me do short sprints running after him. Adik I guess cheers me on as I run towards his pram! He usually squeals in delight!

A girlfriend asked how do I find time. To be honest, I put it in my calendar. And it is tough. I sacrifice on sleep, if I have a call at 8pm, I leave the office at 6-ish and be back in office again by 7-ish pm to get ready for the call. I am vain, I want to stay healthy and most importantly, I want to feel & look good.

When there's a will, there's a way.

Memories @ the Hospitals

I remembered running around hospital grounds when I was young. No. I was not admitted in hospital rather we used to fetch mom back from work in the evenings and on weekends when mom was working as a nurse in KKH. I love the smell of hospital, I loved listening to stories that mom shared with us – some were scary but most of the stories were funny. It is even funnier now when you recall the stories as I go through some of the experiences myself. It is however not funny when you are in labour and the midwife says she knows your mom!

A few weeks ago, I was back in KKH because my 9 month old baby was hospitalized for fever and bronchitis. By the time we took him there, we knew I was going to be staying with him for the week. The ward was full – we were in a 5 bedder room – not by choice but it was a different experience for us; we are thankful(Alhamdullilah) for what Allah has given us. As I stay awake in the middle of the night, I could not help but recall the scary stories that mom used to share with us. Not a good thing to do when you are alone so I had to pull the blanket over my head to prevent myself from seeing things I don’t want to see! The room was damn cold and I could feel the cold right through my bones and we were by the window! I was glad I had my iphone; I swear that was my best friend that week and I was convinced to get the iphone 4 ;0

My baby was discharged on a Friday evening and the following week I brought mom to NUH for her Op. Again, I had the time to explore the hospital grounds while I was told to wait for mom. I think my legs brought me to places I am not supposed to go. I cannot imagine walking along the corridors of NUH at night and I made a mental note to park my car at the main building! It was pretty eerie or maybe it was just me?!

I used to distance myself from SGH. That hospital brings back lots of painful memories. 2 years ago, we registered Abang at Little Skool House and the school is within SGH premises. I learnt to shut my thoughts when I am there especially when I drive/walk past a certain building.

Shape Run for Women - Will I be There?

I have paid and I have registered. Event is on July 24th

Now I have to make it happen. I started running but stopped a few weeks ago because I had things to attend to. This morning I started running again and I enjoyed the quiet morning around my estate.

Today, I realized I have to be in Indonesia on July 23rd – we have a big “LIVE” event in Indonesia at that time and I am required to be there. Damn. Then I’m told that I may have to be in another event in Malaysia on July 24th, fly in Sunday morning from Jakarta. No! No! No! Double Damn.

Can I wiggle my way out???

Conversation Between Two Old Friends

Location: At Darul Aman Mosque

Aunty Onah: Eh Jo... kau tak nampak tua!!!

Mom: Apalah Kak Onah nie... dah tua lah

Aunty Onah: tak tak tua... kau tengok aku, banyak wrinkles here and there

Mom: laughs. Apalah Kak Onah... semua dah tuakan. Tak nampak jer. Dah cover kan...

Aunty Onah: Aku lagi tua lah.. kau tengok kau tengok (pointing to all the lines on her face)

They both then hugged and go their separate ways..

Kak Onah or as I call her Cik Onah, is 75 years old. She's a very jovial old lady. Loves to laugh out loud and is still very confident behind the wheels! She makes the best sambal belacan and I am still trying to convince her to give me her recipe! They've been friends for as long as I can remember - started off as colleagues, now sees each other at the mosques, high tea events and go on a short holiday together.

Sweet.

Mama's Produce

I'm throwing away my breastmilk. In 4hrs time. I am leaving the milk in room temperature. I am in Manila and there is no way I can bring it home with me. I leave for Singapore tomorrow evening.

Breast ache. Heart ache.